I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
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