Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
two words...techno handjob
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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