We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
