my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
