You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
