Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
