I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
