When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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