i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
