I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
