An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
