from now on my penis is your penis
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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