I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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