we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
