i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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