Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
