Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
