the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
