If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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