How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
