mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
