why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
