so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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