SEEEEXXX PLEASE
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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