I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
