i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
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