ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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