I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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