My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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