wakey wakey hands off snakey
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
