dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
