Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
