Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
This is the high leading the old right now
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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