Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize