She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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