you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize