I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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