evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
