Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
