i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
