Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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