I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
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