i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
