I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
