i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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