Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Randomize
