not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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