Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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