i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize
