i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
