if i died would you start the facebook group?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
