update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
