I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
