I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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