I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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