I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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