woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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