It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
