i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
