Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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